Cox Communications needs a new tagline. I’ve got some suggestions.
Cox: Because “Dicks” was already taken.
Cox: Our prices aren’t the only thing that suck.
Cox: Nobody knows how to screw you like us.
It’s funny how a company doesn’t need to worry about customer service when it’s essentially a monopoly.
And that’s exactly the position I – and most other Americans – have found myself in for the past couple of years.
I’m sure it’s something you can relate to. In case you find yourself screaming “fake news” right now… allow me to share a recent phone call with you.
Cox Rep: Thank you for calling Cox. How can I help you?
Me: This is Kyle.
Cox Rep: What can I do for you?
Me: My internet is down for the 10th time this month.
Cox Rep:I’m sorry to hear that – that must be frustrating.
Me: Considering it’s December 2nd, you can say that again.
Cox Rep: Have you checked to see if the router is plugged in?
Me, pouring myself a drink: Oh, here we go again. Let me skip a few steps here. Yes, I’ve checked everything. I’ve reset everything. The internet doesn’t work. This happens on a regular basis. Sometimes you guys tell me it’s a “weak signal to our house”. Sometimes you tell me you “can’t identify the cause of the problem and you’ll have to send a rep out”.
Cox Rep: Well let’s go through some basic troubleshooting.
15 minutes of whiskey go by…
Me: So, like I said, your service just sucks.
Cox Rep: Well, it looks like we’re going to have to send out a technician. That’ll be a $75 charge.
Me: No it won’t. I’m not paying for a rep to come out to fix your broken service.
Cox Rep :If it turns out it’s our service, you won’t end up having to pay for it.
Me: It’s your service.
Cox Rep: The soonest I can get someone out there is a week from Friday.
Me: It’s Monday.
Cox Rep: That’s the soonest I can get someone out there.
Me: That’s unacceptable. The internet is once again down because of your lousy service. I run a company and I need to be able to access the internet from my house.
Cox Rep: Oh, sir, you’re not allowed to be on a residential plan. You need to be on a business plan.
Me: No, this is for my house. Unfortunately for all of my employees and clients, I have a Cox business account for my office as well. That one sucks too. This is so I can get work done at home.
Cox Rep: Unfortunately I’m going to have to report that you’re running a business from a residential account.
Me, whiskey-ing: Can we skip ahead to the part where you fix my broken internet?
Cox Rep: Like I said, the soonest I can get someone out there is a week from Friday.
Me: Can you put a manager on the line?
Cox Rep: I am my own manager. But if you’d like to pay for the upgraded service plan each month, we can get someone out there sooner.
Me: You have no manager? And wait…you just said you can’t get someone out here until a week from Friday. Now you’re saying that if I pay you more money to do what I’m already paying you to do, you can get someone out here sooner?
Cox Rep: That’s correct, sir.
Me: So I have to pay you more money for a service plan so that when a technician comes out here and determines that it’s still your fault and there’s nothing he can do to fix it, I don’t have to pay any more money? Except the new monthly bill that I’m going to be paying for your guy to tell me that you guys suck?
Cox Rep: Sir, if you continue to swear at me, I’m going to have to end this call.
Me: What swear did I use?
Cox Rep: You said “suck”.
Me: And the name of your company is “Cox”… but suddenly I’m the offensive one?
Kyle S. Reyes is the National Spokesman for Law Enforcement Today, founder of The Whiskey Patriots and Chief Executive Officer of The Silent Partner Marketing. Reyes is also an acclaimed keynote speaker on patriotism and leadership, entrepreneurship and marketing by storytelling. You can follow him on Facebook.