It’s the kind of “real talk” that’s so desperately needed in the workplace … but of course can’t happen.
Hypersensitive, man-bun-toting, green-tea-latte sipping, overgrown toddlers have made sure that the HR team has transformed from a place of professional development to safe space enforcers and a lawsuit breeding ground.
Before you get your anime panties all up in a bunch, kiddo, I’m not talking about legitimate issues like true sexual harassment or discrimination cases. Those are what Human Resources is actually supposed to be for. And WASuntil you started using them for your daily therapy to deal with life.
No, I’m talking about your “she said mean things” and “he wrote me up” and “they ran out of almond milk in the fridge” garbage that’s giving our generation a bad name.
That’s right – I said OUR generation.
Because I’m a millennial … who unfortunately has to deal with the completely well-deserved reputation that you clowns are giving those of us who are actually hunkered down and working our faces off for a living.
And so, without further ado, I humbly trigger millennial snowflakes across the country with the real talk that their boss is thinking … but you want to make sure you don’t have to hear.
Your College Professor Was An Idiot
Socialism and communism aren’t greater than capitalism. But if you insist on that narrative … perhaps you can text me about it on your $1,000 iPhone.
You don’t get to start with 20 vacation days and 10 sick days and 15 holidays.
Ohhhh poor you – you put in 40 WHOLE hours this week? I remember my first part-time job. You want more money? Work harder and shut your pie hole.
Regardless of what Professor Patchouli said, you don’t get to come in late because you drank too much. You don’t get to go home early because you have mild cramps.
Oh – you minored in “basket weaving”? It’s not just your professor who is an idiot – you are, too.
General Mattis Was Right
“As I watch millennial men struggle to lift their bags into the overhead bin, I am reminded of how f***** we are if there’s a draft.”
The guy has some great points.
Take care of your body. Put down those Cheetos. Stop drinking so much every night. Get some sleep. Go to the gym. Train your mind and your body. You’ll be sharper, more productive, less whiny, and maybe … just maybe … your health insurance costs will drop and so will mine.
Maybe you’ll even finally find a girlfriend and have some incentive to take a shower.
Yes, you’re the smelly guy at work.
I Don’t Owe You Anything
There’s a great word you should look up. It’s called “meritocracy.” It basically means if you want stuff … you have to earn it. There’s no such thing as “free.”
You know what $15/hour minimum wage is going to get you? Replaced with technology.
You know what demanding “free snacks” and “safe spaces” is going to get you? Laughed at.
Be prepared to work your butt off to prove yourself.
Unless of course you enjoy being a punchline and an object of derision. If not, sit there and shut up long enough for me to give you some ideas on how to fix it.
It’s Not My Job To Hold Your Hand
Besides, it’s covered in that greasy CBD-loaded hemp oil that you tulips are into.
In the real world, you need to be thrown into the fire. You need to learn to fend for yourself.
There was a time in this country when people like you had to either learn how to fight … or run into the house really fast.
I’ll tell you when it all changed. When they added the “save” button to video games. I remember when you’d work your butt off on Atari … get to level 16 … and then get killed. You’d have to go back to the beginning and start all over. Then Nintendo 64 came out with the “save” feature so you could restart on level 16. THAT is where the laziness and entitlement began.
Buckle up, brah. This isn’t your underwater basket weaving classes where they don’t give letter grades because …”feelings.” In the real world we’ll give you a “letter” grade – we’ll tell you to “F” yourself.
Your Parents Lied To You
You can’t actually be “whatever you want to be.”
Seriously. No offense, mom and dad, but little Johnny ate glue sticks well into sixth grade and STILL drops his pants to his ankles when he pees at the urinal. He’s not exactly going to be a rocket scientist.
And that’s O.K. – really. Self-awareness is important. Just because you’re not the brightest crayon in the Crayola box doesn’t mean you can’t still be incredibly successful. But double down on what you’re good at and understand we’re not going to put you in a position that you’re not going to be successful in for yourself and for the company.
Get Your Life Together
Don’t brag about how you hang out with the crew at ANTIFA. We’ll judge you. Hard.
That mohawk-fade-red-haired-partial-shave just makes you look like you had a close encounter with a lawn mower (and unfortunately the lawn mower didn’t get the job done).
Size 42 “skinny” jeans aren’t actually “skinny.” You’re not even fooling yourself.
We all know that therapy duck you bring in every day is just your inability to cope with having to have a boss. We just legally can’t call you out on it. But we’re all thinking it. ALL of us.
If you’re a vegan, don’t use the line “humans are the only animals that drink the milk of other animals” in the workplace.
Because you know what else humans do? Drive cars. Pay rent. Use computers. Text each other asking to pick up milk on the way home from work. Shut up. We don’t care about your veganism. We just care about whether or not you’re going to do your job.
Oh, and yes – #HesYourPresident.
I know you’re probably sitting there thinking “not my boss!” You’re thinking about what a horrible person I am and how you’d never want to work for me.
Despite the fact that most of my staff are also millennials … we have a 30-foot bar in our office … bean bag chairs … an office dog … gym memberships … a personal trainer … a caterer … and lots of other perks.
The only difference between MY millennials and YOU? They earn what they have and they don’t complain about it. And they’re judging you too.
On behalf of bosses all over America, please get it together or get out of the office.
Share this if you are with me.